How to make a website, part 1

THE SUBCONTRACTING METHOD
(Based on a true story. But only slightly. Actually it's more like little bits of several true stories all spliced together and liberally sprinkled with lies.)

First, find a web development company. There are many. They all have names like Inzizivon, or Terriblon, or VoNsTARtechnologiX. The sales people are all younger, better looking, better dressed and better paid than you are. The developers are all younger, smell worse, have worse clothes, and are better paid than you are. They also speak gibberish. Fortunately, the sales people form a firewall preventing you from interacting directly with the developers, and they speak fluently, although their conversation is littered with buzzwords like "market focus", "client-centric" and "enablement", and is fueled by caffeinated beverages that cost more than you typically spend on lunch. Wear sunglasses, their teeth are blinding.

The conversation will go something like this:

You: I need a website made.

Marketing person: We do that! Take a look at these excellent websites we did. Linky, linky, linky.

You: [Linky linky links] Those websites use Flash. My computer doesn't have up to date Flash on it and I don't seem to be able to upgrade it successfully.

MP: Oh. Well, go to our website and look at the linky links to other sites we did that don't use Flash. They're all listed, right there!

You: [faffling around with Internet] Your website uses Flash. My computer doesn't have up to date Flash on it and I don't seem to be able to upgrade it successfully.

MP: Oh. I forgot. Ha ha ha, let me buy you a latte. Here are some linky linky links to those websites.

You: [linky linky linking] Wow, those are kewl! Can you make me one? But, you know, it would be great if it had animated thingies on it. You know, with Flash or whatever.

MP: We do that!

You: Kewl. How much does it cost? You know, for a basic website with a half-a-dozen pages, and maybe a little feedback form so people can sign up for a mailing list, or send us a comment, or whatever? And I'd like one of those cool graphics like I saw on that other website you showed me.

MP: Sure! That will cost [types furiously on calculator while neither breaking a sweat nor losing expensive-looking smile]... eighteen million dollars!

You: Okay, thanks, um, I'll have to think about it.

You can repeat this process with as many web development companies as you like. The results will be the same, always.

Next time: part 2, the "Get your friend's nephew to do it" approach.*



*Guess what? This doesn't work, either.