Tuesday, May 01, 2007

How to make a website, part 1

THE SUBCONTRACTING METHOD
(Based on a true story. But only slightly. Actually it's more like little bits of several true stories all spliced together and liberally sprinkled with lies.)

First, find a web development company. There are many. They all have names like Inzizivon, or Terriblon, or VoNsTARtechnologiX. The sales people are all younger, better looking, better dressed and better paid than you are. The developers are all younger, smell worse, have worse clothes, and are better paid than you are. They also speak gibberish. Fortunately, the sales people form a firewall preventing you from interacting directly with the developers, and they speak fluently, although their conversation is littered with buzzwords like "market focus", "client-centric" and "enablement", and is fueled by caffeinated beverages that cost more than you typically spend on lunch. Wear sunglasses, their teeth are blinding.

The conversation will go something like this:

You: I need a website made.

Marketing person: We do that! Take a look at these excellent websites we did. Linky, linky, linky.

You: [Linky linky links] Those websites use Flash. My computer doesn't have up to date Flash on it and I don't seem to be able to upgrade it successfully.

MP: Oh. Well, go to our website and look at the linky links to other sites we did that don't use Flash. They're all listed, right there!

You: [faffling around with Internet] Your website uses Flash. My computer doesn't have up to date Flash on it and I don't seem to be able to upgrade it successfully.

MP: Oh. I forgot. Ha ha ha, let me buy you a latte. Here are some linky linky links to those websites.

You: [linky linky linking] Wow, those are kewl! Can you make me one? But, you know, it would be great if it had animated thingies on it. You know, with Flash or whatever.

MP: We do that!

You: Kewl. How much does it cost? You know, for a basic website with a half-a-dozen pages, and maybe a little feedback form so people can sign up for a mailing list, or send us a comment, or whatever? And I'd like one of those cool graphics like I saw on that other website you showed me.

MP: Sure! That will cost [types furiously on calculator while neither breaking a sweat nor losing expensive-looking smile]... eighteen million dollars!

You: Okay, thanks, um, I'll have to think about it.

You can repeat this process with as many web development companies as you like. The results will be the same, always.

Next time: part 2, the "Get your friend's nephew to do it" approach.*



*Guess what? This doesn't work, either.

6 comments:

w'ferret said...

Web designers are one of thing I have to deal with at work. I dislike Flash(tm) and getting charged a fortune to change 1 link. Swines!!!!

Bring back text based internet and the lynx browser :)

uoigk. Flash spelt by a dyslexic web designer

The Wrath of Dawn said...

Does anyone really like Flash? Especially Flash splash pages, which are the work of the devil.

I maintain two websites and am about to adopt a third and I pledge no Flash on any of them! Okay, there's one temporary link on one, but it's going soon and it just rolls over to a 2nd bit of text, no flashing lights or bippy, boppy cartoon animals or anything.

eobfrmqd - The curse used by those of us who detest Flash upon encountering one of its demons.

The Wrath of Dawn said...

fuxdfgxt

Mwa ha ha! The next WV which was just too good to let fly off into cyberspace.

Ricardipus said...

"aadalcrd" - something to bellow out-of-tune to the tune of "Edelweiss".

Flash, it annoys me, especially since the Ferrari website doesn't work on this here computer. We all have our crosses to bear.

The Wrath of Dawn said...

fixthpmo

I'm not kidding. Could I make these up?

Rik said...

Well if I can help with regards to websites, then just ask. I pride myself on making a website in standard html that is as good as anything made in flash.