And a Happy Turkey Day to all of you south of the Border. Even those of you south of the border who happen to be north of where I am.
But let's not get into that again. I've waffled about the geography of the United States as it relates to the time of their Thanksgiving holiday before, difficult though that may be to believe.
In the meantime, a special present for you all, found inside the Thanksgiving turkey at Chateau Ricardipus earlier this year, and in pristine condition, still in its wrapper:
It's a Turkey Lifter. Any resemblance to a few mangy bits of string with a couple of plastic handles attached is entirely coincidental.
The instructions, which are admittedly rather difficult to read in that photo, are quoted here for reference. I hope they may be useful to someone.
Place Turkey Lifter across full length of flat rack in roasting pan. [Ed. note: what rack?]
Place turkey, breast up, on lifter so the two middle clips are under back of turkey. [Ok, seems reasonable so far.]
Raise one loop over wings and breast. [I bet that's more difficult than it sounds.]
The other over drumsticks. [Hey! That's not a complete sentence!]
Rest loops over turkey, not over pan during roasting. [Presumably, to stop it from adhering permanently to the pan.]
Lift roasted turkey onto platter with Turkey Lifter. [Yeah right. Pick up a 20-pound, searing hot carcass with two bits of string and some plastic doohickies, while it drips scalding juice all over my extremities? I think not.]
Remove Lifter and discard. [Even though it's adhered permanently to the turkey, not to the pan.]
It further goes on to instruct:
NOTE: Lifter is to be used only once. [But, but, but... I like keeping sticky, turkey-smelling, rotting bits of string around! Really!]
Do not use when grilling as string may burn. [I refuse to comment on this.]
So there you go. Crystal clear. I bet the wretched thing is even patented.
Happy Thanksgiving, Americans.